I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
