My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
