So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
