Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
