Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
