i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
