I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
