He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
