I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
