i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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