I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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