I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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