1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
