I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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