It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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