a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
