Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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