guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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