Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
