So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
