Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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