i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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