I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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