I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
