why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
