I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
