Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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