Redeem this text for a blowjob
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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