I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
