Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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