If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
