I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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