Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
