I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
