At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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