If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
