At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
