Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
