My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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