I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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