she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
