Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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