Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
