One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
