Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
