How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
