I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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