i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
