i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
