I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
As shirtless as possible
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
