i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
